The Revenge Stimulation
by SergeantFuzzyBoots
Summary: Sheldon and Wil Wheaton face off again, both seeking revenge.  Pairings: Leonard/Penny
1. Chapter 1

**So, this fic is slightly influenced by an episode of Community that I saw called "Modern Warfare". Just the idea of making a paintball war like a real war, with the dramatic quoting of different movies-this fic will only have quotes from movies the guys watch, though, so Star Wars, Star Trek, etc. Anyways, hope you enjoy the fic. Also, I do not own anything.**

Leonard leaned against the kitchen counter as he watched Sheldon pace in front of the couch, the phone glued to his ear.

"No, I understood your insult; you don't have to explain it!" Sheldon snapped, his left eye beginning to twitch.

The theoretical physicist had been on the phone for at least twenty minutes now, barking rather weak retorts at whomever he was speaking to. Leonard now watched his roommate curiously, eager to find out what was going on.

"Is bringing that up really necessary?" Sheldon asked, quickening his pace. The change in speed caused him to look as though he was walking in a small circle instead of pacing. "Oh really? Well then buckle up for this scathing come back!"

Leonard raised an eyebrow as Sheldon began ranting in Klingon, making odd gestures with his hands from time to time. He leaned in closer, trying to keep up with the conversation.

Penny entered the apartment at that moment, eyes widening slightly when she saw Sheldon. She gave Leonard an inquiring look and he shrugged back at her. The waitress slowly made her way over to the kitchen, glancing at Sheldon every few seconds.

"Hey," said Leonard, giving her a quick kiss when she came up beside him.

"Hey," she said, eyes glued to the bizarre scene before her. "Uh...what's going on?"

Leonard shrugged again. "I don't know. I just came in and..._this_ was happening."

"Well, who's he talking to?" Penny asked, crossing her arms and resting them on the counter. She didn't like seeing Sheldon so worked up; it usually led to him taking his frustrations out on others, and after a hard day of serving low-tipping complainers, she really wasn't in the mood to deal with whatever was causing her neighbour to shout in an alien language.

"Well, he's been throwing out insults in an attempt to make himself clearly seem superior, so he could be talking to...well, anyone...," said Leonard, remembering the time Sheldon had called up the pizza place to complain about their food being insufficient.

Sheldon stopped suddenly and then began nodding slowly. "It shall be so," he whispered darkly. Then, he promptly hung up the phone and scowled.

"Who was that?" Leonard asked pleasantly, his voice not conveying how truly interested he was to know.

"That, Leonard," Sheldon replied, setting the phone down on the table. "Was one Wil Wheaton." The theoretical physicist narrowed his eyes, looking off into the distance menacingly.

"Sheldon, sweetie, why do you call him if you know it's just going to upset you?" Penny asked.

"The same reason I read his twitter feed," Sheldon explained. "One must know their enemy."

"Right," said Penny, drawing the word out. "So, what did he want?"

"Wil Wheaton has challenged me. At precisely one o'clock this Saturday we shall engage in an epic battle to the death."

Leonard took this as his cue to jump in and implement reason. "Now, when you say, "Epic battle to the death", you really mean...?"

"We're playing paintball on Saturday," Sheldon explained, momentarily breaking his sombre character.

"Good," said Leonard, sighing in relief. His girlfriend, however, was not so quick to relax.

"So, you and Wheaton are going to be duelling..._one-on-one_...on Saturday?" Penny asked cautiously. She had a dreadful suspicion that Sheldon had managed to get all of them involved in this little war of revenge he was plotting. She really had nothing against Wil Wheaton-all he'd ever done was empathize with her about the "I love you" situation with Leonard. It's not like he had actually wanted them to break up. As to why Sheldon hated him so much, she still wasn't sure. The whackadoodle had never said anything directly, but she vaguely remembered it having something to do with his grandmother.

"That his correct," said Sheldon, returning to looking off into the distance.

Penny smiled, satisfied that she was now free to spend the weekend in peace.

"Except for the one-on-one part, as we will be playing teams," Sheldon continued after taking a long pause. "Which means you, Leonard, Wolowitz, and Koothrapali will join me in my quest for power."

Penny groaned, letting her head fall to the table. She knew it'd been too good to be true.

"FYI, our first team meeting is tomorrow at four," Sheldon added, breaking character again. "Be sure to bring a notebook and plenty of graph paper."

Penny was tempted to give Sheldon "the moving finger", but decided against it and just went for another irritated groan.

"Don't worry, you can borrow some of my graph paper," Leonard said sarcastically, smiling teasingly as he squeezed her shoulder.


	2. Chapter 2

**So, I posted the first chapter for this fic in late January and then I started my BBBB challenge fic and didn't have time to work on this one and then it kind of got cast aside for a little while, but I really didn't want to go a year without updating one of my fics, so I've made it my goal to finish this fic during my Christmas break. Or at least the majority of the fic. Anyways, sorry to those of you who were left hanging for a long time.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to The Big Bang Theory, nor do I own the Star Wars quote in this chapter.**

"Before we begin, I'd just like to thank everyone for coming to participate in the battle against Wil Wheaton."

"Well, we didn't have much choice, you threatened us all with strikes if we didn't show up," Howard grumbled.

Sheldon ignored the engineer. "It means a great deal that you're all willing to risk your lives in order to help me in my quest."

The four sitting in the living room raised their eyebrows and exchanged glances; Raj leaned towards the white armchair to whisper frantically into Howard's ear.

"Risk our lives?" Leonard repeated, cocking his head. "Sheldon, this is a just a paintball war."

"But war nonetheless!" The theoretical physicist made his way to his board and uncapped one of his markers. "Which is why we have to organize, strategize, and map out all possible outcomes," he said, beginning to draw various shapes on the whiteboard.

"Oh, God," Penny groaned, letting her head fall into her hands. Only a few minutes into the meeting and already she wasn't enjoying this.

"Penny, there'll be plenty of time for appealing to deities later," Sheldon said dismissively, not taking his eyes off of the work in front of him. "But right now we have to focus."

Penny raised an eyebrow at Leonard and he shrugged in response. No point in trying to figure out everything the whackadoodle had planned, though he certainly hoped prayer wasn't on the agenda. Maybe Mrs. Cooper was starting to get to her son. It wouldn't be the first time a battle against Wheaton had done that, Leonard reflected, remembering his roommate thanking Jesus during the bowling match.

"Alright. This," Sheldon said, using his marker to point to a rectangle he'd drawn on the board. "Is our paintball shed, home base. The rectangle at the top of the board is Wheaton's home base. Our territory ranges from our paintball shed to this expanse of trees up here."

Penny stared at the board throughout Sheldon's explanation, but she wasn't really listening. All she needed was a paintball gun and she'd have Wheaton's team beaten in ten minutes; strategy wasn't of much importance. If it hadn't been for the strike threat, then she would've just skipped this meeting.

She tipped her head to the side to lean against Leonard's shoulder. He grinned, taking her hand and squeezing it.

"I think we've found a new contender for slowing down time as opposed to approaching the speed of light," she whispered.

Leonard smirked, nodding in agreement.

Sheldon clearing his throat jolted them out of their conversation. "I see you've brought me to my next point of discussion," he said, irritated. "During the battle tomorrow, I request that the two of you remain five feet apart at all times."

Penny's jaw dropped. "What?"

"I'm sorry, but I simply cannot go to war tomorrow with the fear of you two succumbing to your biological urges on the battlefield hanging over my head." He gestured toward Wolowitz. "It already cost me one game of paintball when Howard and Leslie did it, and I won't allow my revenge against Wheaton to be jeopardized by it."

Leonard stared at his roommate incredulously. "Sheldon, we're not going to have sex on the paintball field in front of everyone!"

The theoretical physicist sighed, shaking his head. "Oh, how I wish I could believe you."

Howard chuckled as Raj leaned over again to whisper something in his ear, casting an amused glance over at the couple on the couch. They tried to stifle their laughter when Penny shot a glare at them, but failed miserably.

"I'd hush up if I were you two; I was close to applying the five feet rule to the two of you, as well," Sheldon said. That silenced them. "Now," he continued. "I have assigned each of you a member of Wheaton's team to focus on killing, leaving me free to destroy Wil Wheaton."

Penny sighed. That certainly ruined her plan. She'd been hoping to get the game over with quickly by being allowed to kill everyone in sight, but if she was only given one team member, then...well, no offense to the guys, but they'd be there awhile.

"Sheldon, wouldn't it make more sense to just shoot whoever we see instead of wasting time trying to find our designated target?" Leonard asked, voicing his girlfriend's thoughts.

"What makes sense is that while the four of you are off distracting the other team members, I'll have my shot at revenge!" he argued.

The four groaned, eliciting a frown from the theoretical physicist. "I find your lack of faith disturbing," he said, folding his arms across his chest.

"We find your rules and strategy disturbing," Howard sighed, rolling his eyes.

**I hope to post the rest of the chapters in the next few days.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Big Bang Theory nor do I own the Star Wars, Star Trek, or Harry Potter quotes in this chapter.**

"Now, does everyone remember the plan?"

"Yes!" Sheldon frowned at the harshness with which his team members responded. He was simply trying to ensure that everyone was prepared for the battle that lay ahead – and, given that two of their team members didn't even have PhDs, reaffirming that everyone was clear on the plan seemed liked a smart and necessary precaution.

"You've gone over it four times now, Sheldon," Leonard pointed out as he unloaded the paintball equipment from the trunk of his car. "Shouldn't you have a little more faith in us?" The theoretical physicist opened his mouth to reply, but his roommate cut him off. "Never mind, don't answer that." It was team members like Leonard, who couldn't seem to make up their minds even regarding the most trivial things like whether or not one should answer a question, that caused Sheldon to worry so much about his little band.

"Hey, look who's here!"

Sheldon's head shot up at the sound of that voice. _His_ voice. The voice of all-time enemy number six, Wil Wheaton.

The aforementioned mortal enemy and his paintball team strode toward the five, looking far too cheery for Sheldon's liking. Probably some sort of tactic to lull them into a false sense of security, only to strike them down when they least expected it. Foolish Wil Wheaton. Such juvenile strategy was so far below the theoretical physicist that it took quite an effort not to give the actor a look of haughty derision. Although, when he thought about it, how harmful could a simple look of condescension be?

Wheaton raised an eyebrow at the look Sheldon gave him and then shrugged, moving to stand in front of the five. "Just thought we'd come to wish you good luck before the game started," he said, grinning.

Sheldon rolled his eyes. Wil Wheaton simply knew no bounds. "Please, Wheaton, don't insult my team with your mocking pity masked in a friendly gesture."

Wil frowned, glancing over at Stuart who shrugged. "It _was_ just a friendly gesture..."

Sheldon widened his eyes at Leonard, shaking his head. "Really? Now you choose to further attack our dignity by trying to cover up your fake wishes of good luck. Sad, Wheaton. So sad."

The actor stared at the theoretical physicist for a moment and then shook his head. "Yeah, okay, see you on the field, then."

Sheldon watched as the enemy team walked away, eyes narrowed. "That's right, Wheaton. You and your Rebel Alliance run. Just know that no amount of distance you put between us can save you from our Death Star!"

Raj frowned, leaning over to whisper in Howard's ear. "Really?" the engineer asked. "It surprises you that he identifies with the Empire?"

* * *

Penny sat on one of the hay bales in the paintball shed, chin resting on her clasped hands. _Booooored_. Sheldon had promised he'd only do one more quick summary of their plan, but was failing miserably as he crouched on the ground, attempting to replicate the complex diagrams he'd drawn on his board the day before.

"Now, as I mentioned, Raj, Howard, you two will go-"

"Into the trees," Howard interrupted, his voice a groan. "And you, Leonard, and Penny are going behind the rocks. Can we start _now_?"

"Yes, alright," Sheldon agreed, getting to his feet. He brushed the dirt off of his clothes. "The thing to remember, though, is that the way we play our game, Wheaton's team doesn't stand a chance. We're stronger, quicker, and smarter – well most of us."

Penny was about to shoot a glare her neighbour's way, when she realized the whackadoodle had been addressing Howard with that last part.

The engineer held his arms up incredulously. "What are you looking at me for? _I _have a master's degree, Penny doesn't!"

Sheldon held a hand up. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, Howard." He nodded to Penny. "I've got your back."

Penny gave him a small smile in return. "It would've been a bit more flattering if you hadn't used a quote that describes the _Millenium Falcon_, but I guess I'll take it."

Sheldon frowned. "The fact that it describes the _Millenium Falcon _is _supposed_ to be the flattering part."

Penny waved a hand dismissively. "Sure, sure, whatever. Can we start now?"

At the theoretical physicist's nod, the four stood and headed for the door. It was then that Penny noticed a long stick in Leonard's hand. "What's that for?" she asked, frowning.

"Measuring stick," he grumbled. He held it out horizontally, and touched one end of the stick to his hip. He moved away from the waitress until the other end of the stick touched her side. "There. Five feet."

She raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

"This _is_ Sheldon we're talking about."

* * *

"Alright. Minor setback."

"Yeah," Howard grumbled sarcastically. "Trapped behind the paintball shed. Real minor."

Leonard sighed as Sheldon began trying to defend himself. Upon exiting their paintball shed, they'd found Wheaton and his team practically right outside the door. It was a wonder they'd all been able to get behind the paintball shed unscathed, though it was probably only a matter of time before Wheaton's team chanced coming around the side of the shed to shoot them all – and as a good a shot as Penny was, she wouldn't be able to shoot all five team members; he and the guys trying to help her would probably do more harm than good.

"Maybe we should just surrender," Leonard suggested. "You can get your revenge on Wheaton some other way." Preferably one that didn't involve the four of them helping the theoretical physicist.

"Evacuate in our moment of triumph?" Sheldon asked incredulously. "I think you overestimate their chances."

Leonard rolled his eyes. "I think you're overestimating _our_ chances, as well."

The theoretical physicist held up a hand. "Don't worry. There's a simple solution here." He turned to look at Wolowitz and Koothrapali. "Raj, Howard, run out and distract them so the rest of us can get to the boulders."

The engineer and astrophysicist glanced at each other, eyes widening. Raj leaned over to whisper in his friend's ear. "Yeah, what if we're shot?" Howard demanded, frowning.

"Then you'll be respected martyrs," Sheldon replied dismissively. He waved a hand at them. "Now go."

The two glanced at each other once more and then Howard shrugged. "What the hell."

The engineer and astrophysicist darted out from behind the paintball shed and started running towards the woods, shouting for dramatic effect.

The three remaining members of the team edged around the other side of the shed – Penny in the lead –, checking to see if the coast was clear.

"Alright, it's safe," Sheldon said. "Leonard, you and I'll head to the boulders on the left."

"What about Penny?"

"She seems to be on top of things."

The experimental physicist frowned and looked around his roommate to see that his girlfriend had already made a break for the mound of rocks on the far right of the field.

Shaking his head, Leonard hurried after his roommate as the two ran for cover behind the rocks. They collapsed behind the boulders, struggling to catch their breath – they really did need to get more fresh air.

"Now what?" Leonard gasped, glancing around for Wheaton and his team.

"Now," said Sheldon, climbing on top of one of the rocks. "We wait for Wheaton to return."

"Wouldn't it be better to wait for him down here where he can't see us?"

Sheldon shook his head. "Of course not. That'd be far too easy. No, I'm going to call Wheaton out and then we'll finish this together."

Leonard sighed. He knew he'd regret asking this, but... "How exactly do you plan to call him out?"

"I'm going to kill you, Wil Wheaton," Sheldon said darkly. "I'm going to destroy you. After today, no one will ever again question my power." Of course. More quoting. "After today, if they speak of you, they'll only speak of how you begged for death," he continued, his voice growing in volume. "And how I, being a merciful Lord, obliged."

"Sheldon, you do realize that, by standing up there shouting, it's more than likely that Wheaton will find you and shoot you before you even have a chance at your revenge?" Leonard pointed out in frustration. He knew his roommate took paintball wars very seriously, but a paintball war against Wheaton was taking things to a whole new level for the theoretical physicist. At least in a regular game, the whackadoodle had enough sense not to deliberately court danger – in fact, he was usually the one getting everyone else to face the danger while he hid in wait for victory. Leonard couldn't decide which of Sheldon's approaches he hated more.

"I hope he finds me!" Sheldon replied, keeping with his overly dark tone. He began scanning the field, holding his paintball gun at the ready. "Because when he does, I'm going to be ready. When he does, I'm going to kill him!"

Yes, Leonard definitely hated this approach much more.

The experimental physicist hunkered down lower behind the boulders, not wanting to be shot as a result of Sheldon's outbursts. He concentrated on searching the field for Wheaton's team. His designated target was Stuart, but he was fully prepared to shoot whoever he spotted in order to finish this game. So long as he left Wil for Sheldon to kill, then he didn't think the theoretical physicist would really care.

When raking his eyes over the expanse of trees off to the left, Leonard noticed a flicker of movement. Peering closer in between the branches and leaves he could just make out Stuart and Wheaton, eyes and guns trained on Sheldon.

"Sheldon!" Leonard hissed, sinking even further below the top of the boulder. "Sheldon, you have to get down!"

"Leonard, please, I know what I'm doing," Sheldon said dismissively. "The moment Wheaton shows up, he's not going to know what hit him."

Leonard angrily shook his head, glancing back at the trees. Stuart and Wheaton were advancing and he knew they'd shoot any second now. They obviously hadn't followed Howard and Raj and had been waiting just for the theoretical physicist. He was walking right into their trap. "Sheldon!" he repeated almost desperately.

"Leonard, you've already made your opinion of my standing up here perfectly clear, but –"

"Sheldon, for God's sake, get out of the way!"

Two shots were fired as Leonard shoved his roommate aside, one splattering onto the experimental physicist's goggles and the other hitting his breastplate, knocking him to the ground.

Leonard lay on his back, winded. Thankfully, he'd only landed on grass, avoiding all possible serious injuries by not falling on any of the rocks nearby. He wasn't sure what had happened to Sheldon – the thick smear of green paint across his goggles preventing him from seeing anything – but he was fairly certain that his roommate would be right back to pursuing Wheaton, shouting quotes all the while, even though they were part of the reason he'd almost been shot.

"From hell's heart, I stab at thee!" _Called it_ Leonard thought darkly as the sound of his roommate's voice grew fainter as he got farther away.

* * *

Penny had seen Wil and Stuart shoot Leonard down. She was about a yard away from him, crouched behind a boulder, waiting to see if he was okay. Normally, she wouldn't have been concerned, but he still hadn't gotten up yet and there were quite a few boulders and rocks around that area that could've proved hazardous to her boyfriend.

When a few moments had gone by and Leonard still hadn't risen to his feet, she decided she ought to check on him. She raised her head above the boulder, checking to make sure the area was all clear, and then bolted across the field, holding her gun out to the side to use as a makeshift shield to protect against any paintball pellets that came her way. Luckily, her shield proved unnecessary and she made it to Leonard without any problems.

Penny dropped down to her knees next to him, pulling her goggles off in order to get a better look at him. As far as she could tell there were no rocks or other dangers that had injured Leonard, but, just to make sure, she slid an arm behind his shoulders and pulled him up, moving him to lean back against a nearby boulder. There'd been no rocks underneath him either, so she figured the fall must have just winded him.

"I can't see," Leonard mumbled, sitting up a little straighter. Penny was confused for a moment, then understood when she noticed the layer of green paint covering his goggles. Leonard moved his head from side to side, as if that could help him see through the opaque substance in front of him. "Who are you?"

Penny opened her mouth to respond, but then stopped, a mischievous grin taking over her face. Maybe this quoting thing could be fun after all.

"Someone who loves you," she replied before pulling his goggles off and putting her mouth on his. She grinned into his lips when she felt his arms slide around her a split second later, pulling her against him.

She was just moving her arms up to wrap around his neck when the sound of paintball guns interrupted her. Penny pulled away from Leonard to inspect the field and caught sight of Sheldon pelting across the grass, Wil Wheaton and Stuart hard on his tail.

"Five feet rule! Five feet rule!" he shouted as he ran past them. "And back to home base!"

Leonard and Penny watched the theoretical physicist for a moment and then turned to smirk at each other. Leonard started to get up, but was stopped by Penny placing a hand on his chest, pushing him back against the rock. They grinned at each other and then Penny leaned back down for another kiss. Screw orders and the five feet rule; she wasn't done here yet.


End file.
